Surat Cinta Buat Istri tersayang (Ultah Pernikahan ke-8)

English version of this letter is on the bottom.

Masih teringat masa-masa kita dulu ketika masih temanan atau persisnya dalam masa jajakan. Dengan isi kantong seadanya, kadang aku hanya punya uang untuk membeli secangkir jus avokado yang dijual oleh para pedagang kaki lima yang mampir di depan gereja Motael untuk bisa kita bagi bersama, atau dua buah jus kelapa muda di depan Lesidere untuk kita nikmati setelah jogging sore di Cristo Rei.  Aku kagum, kamu tak menuntut banyak, tak pernah protes dan komen, kalau aku tak memiliki apa-apa. Satu-satunya yang kumiliki adalah motorku yang kubeli patungan dengan adikku. Kamu tak pernah menuntutku membawamu ke restoran yang mahal-mahal setiap kali ngedate, tak seperti teman-temanmu yang protes ke kamu, ‘kok dia ngasih kasih kado bunga plastic di hari valentine? Kamu mau aja ya? Gak romantis, kere kali ya?”. Kamu malah membelaku, ‘biar aja, yang penting kan dia tulus ngasihnya. Kalo pake bunga benaran tapi gak tulus, sama saja kan?” 
Aku tahu kamu percaya kepadaku (believe in me). Dan itu saja sudah cukup buat aku. Kamu juga seolah tahu bahwa hidup bukanlah sesuatu yang diberikan oleh seseorang begitu saja, tetapi sesuatu yang harus dirajut bersama, ditempuh dan dicapai bersama. Dan suatu saat kita pasti berubah.

Aku juga masih ingat ketika aku jatuh sakit dengan bell’s palsy dan dalam keadaan yang paling menakutkan. Matinya syaraf di wajahku, membuatku tak bisa berbicara, wajahku miring sebelah dan banyak temanku sendiri yang jijik memandangku, aku susah makan karena syaraf dan lidah tak berfungsi, liur berjatuhan tak terkontrol. Selama berbulan-bulan, kamu merawatku dan menyuapku di sela-sela jam kerjamu. Padahal, aku bukan siapa-siapamu waktu itu. Aku salut dan kagum. Dengan kamu selalu berada di sampingku, aku tahu bersyukur kepada Tuhan dan tidak stress. Sumpah, aku stress benaran, ketika melihat wajahku jadi miring sebelah waktu itu. Tapi syukurlah, dengan kamu selalu memberi harapan dan menguatkanku, penyakit itu akhirnya hilang dan aku sembuh kembali. Ketersediaanmu merajut hari-hari kita waktu itu tanpa menuntut apa-apa membuatku merasa aku yang terkaya di dunia meski gajiku waktu itu di bawah $200/bulan buat aku, orang tua dan dua adikku yang lagi sekolah. Perhatian dan cinta yang kauberikan tanpa pamrih (unconditional) dan ketersediaan mau menerimaku apa adanya membuatku merasa  aku orang yang paling bahagia di dunia. 

Semalam aku duduk termenung dekat jendela. Dan aku mendadak teringat, ketika kita menyaksikan bulan purnama bulat bundar bersinar lembut di rangka langit pertengahan bulan Maret 2004 di tepi pantai kelapa. Kita baru saja menghabiskan beberapa tusuk ayam bakar dan dua botol aqua dari uang 3 dolaranku yang terakhir untuk bulan itu sambil duduk di pasir bibir pantai. 

     “Bulan yang indah, semoga kita akan selalu menikmati cahayanya. Selalu. Bersama,” katamu pelan sambil menggenggam erat jemari tangan kananku. Senyum manis tersungging di bibirmu. Aku hanya menatap jauh ke purnama setuju saja denganmu.

Kamu kemudian berkata, “kalau kontrak kerjaku selesai di sini, dan aku harus pulang, Aku pasti akan merindukanmu, merindukan saat-saat seperti itu. Kamu tahu, kamu cowok yang paling baik yang pernah aku kenal, tidak sombong, gak pernah complain, kamu pintar membuatku tersenyum kalau aku lagi galau atau sedih dan yang paling aku suka, kamu hebat mengatasi kemarahanmu. Syukur kalo nanti aku punya pacar atau suami kayak kamu, ya.”

Saat itu juga, sebuah meteor atau bintang jatuh dari langit.. dan kamu mengejutkan aku, sambil menunjuk ke arah meteor itu kegirangan, melupakan ocehanmu yang tadi. Kamu memegang pundakku dan berkata, “hey, kata orang, kalau anda melihat meteor jatuh, tutuplah matamu dan katakanlah keinginanmu (make a wish). Pasti akan terkabul. Dan wish-mu itu jangan katakan pada siapa-siapa kalau mau jadi kenyataan”.

Aku tertawa tak percaya, tapi menurut aja keinginanmu. Aku menutup kedua mataku dan make a wish, dan tahukah kamu, apa yang aku wish waktu itu? Aku wish agar kau tak jadi balik ke Philippines dan menjadi pendamping hidupku selamanya. Aku mau jadi lelaki dengan status yang kamu sebutkan tadi saat meteor jatuh. Malam itu, berkali-kali kamu bertanya apa wishku. Aku tak mau jawab karena aku mau wish-ku jadi kenyataan. Aku hanya tersenyum dan berdoa semoga wish-ku itu jadi kenyataan. 

Semalam dari tepi jendela kamarku di Fargo aku lihat lagi meteor yang sama jatuh di hadapan mataku. Aku menutup mata dan make another wish. Kamu pasti tahu apa yang aku wish . Ketika bangun pagi tadi, aku berharap kalo semalam itu kita berdua melihat bintang jatuh yang sama dan make a wish sama-sama. Tak apalah… kita masih punya waktu. 

Aku hanya mau mengatakan bahwa aku bahagia, karena kamu telah menemaniku selama ini, mulai dari saat aku tak punya apa-apa. Kamu telah bersamaku bukan saja di saatku yang paling baik dan jaya tapi juga di saatku yang paling buruk. Jatuh bangun bersama, perlahan kita arungi laut kehidupan ini….Kadang gelombang laut itu, membuat tubuh kita bergoncang-goncang. Tapi tangan kita selalu berpegangan erat dan tak mau lepas. Dengan itu kita semakin kuat, aku merasa aku juga menjadi kuat dan menjadi aku yang sekarang karena ada kamu di sisiku selama ini.

Hari ini hari ulang tahun pernikahan kita, aku pengen sekali memberikanmu yang terbaik, memberikan apa yang seharusnya aku berikan juga saat-saat pacaran dulu, membawamu makan malam di restoran yang trendi, menjadikanmu seperti ratu yang memperingati hari ulang tahunnya, aku juga mau memberikan bunga mawar kesukaanmu, yang asli bukan dari plastik lagi, dan hadiah lain yang mengejutkanmu di hari bahagia ini. Tapi sayang, jarak masih memisahkan kita. Aku hanya bisa berdoa, kalo wish-ku semalam waktu bintang jatuh bisa jadi kenyataan lagi, dan kita akan tetap bersama, selamanya sampai ajal memisahkan kita.

SELAMAT HARI ULANG TAHUN PERKAWINAN KITA YANG KE-8

Dari aku yang sudah mencintaimu, sedang mencintaimu dan akan selalu mencintaimu.

Abi (Di rantauan North Dakota, USA)

July, 2014

In English

I still remember the days we used to be ‘friends’. With very little money in my pocket, sometimes I just had enough to buy a cup of Avocado juice sold by the street vendors in front of Motael church for us to share, or two young coconuts in front Lecidere for us to enjoy their juices after an afternoon jog in Cristo Rei. I was amazed, you never demanded more, never protested and commented,  knowing that I had nothing. The only thing I had was my bike which I jointly bought with my brother. You never asked me take you to expensive restaurants every time we went out.  Unlike your friends who jokingly told you, 'why he gave you plastic flowers on Valentine's Day? So you just received it? He is not romantic, or maybe he doesn’t have money ". You even stood up for me, 'it is ok, the important thing is that he gave it from his genuine and sincere heart. If he gave me real flowers but not genuinely from his heart, it wasn’t worth more, was it? "

I know you trusted me, I never promised you wealth, nice house or nice car, but i did promise you a nice family with loving husband. You believed in me. And that’s all I need. You kind of knew that life is not something somebody gave, but something we would worked on and achieved together.

I still remember when I fell ill with Bell's palsy in the most daunting circumstances. Death of the nerves on my face,  made me unable to speak, my face lopsided and a lot of my own friends disgust at me. Eating was a challenge because the nerves of my mouth and tongue did not function, my saliva falling uncontrollably. For months, you took care of me and sometimes fed me in between your working hours. In fact, I was just nobody yet to you. I was left with salute and admiration. With you always by my side, I know how to thank God and not being in stress. I swear, I was so stressful during those times, when I saw my face horribly lopsided that time. But thankfully, you gave me hope, my nerves finally came back to life and I was back to normal. Your 'being there with me' to knit our days in those times without demanding anything in return made ​​me feel that I was the richest man in the world even though my salary was less than $ 200/month which was shared between me, my parents and my 2 siblings who were in school. Your attention and unconditional love and your availability to accept me for who I am made ​​me feel I was the happiest person in the world.

Last night I sat pensively by the window. And I suddenly remembered when we watched the full moon shining softly in the sky in mid-March 2004 in the pantai kelapa beach. We were just sitting on the sand by the beach after finishing a couple of skewers of grilled chicken and two bottles of aqua from my last $3 I had for the month.

       "The moon is so beautiful; it is round and shines perfectly tonight. I hope we will always enjoy its shine like this. Always and together, "you said quietly clutching your fingers on my right hand's. Sweet smile tugging at your lips. I just looked away and agreed with you.

You then said, "if my contract finish, and I have to go back to my country, I'm definitely going to miss you, miss moments like this. You know, you're the nicest guy I ever knew, honest, modest, not arrogant, never complain, you're smart and know to make me smile whenever I'm upset or sad and what I like most from you, you overcome your anger so well. I hope someday, I found a boyfriend or a husband like you, really. "

At that moment, suddenly there was a shooting star (meteor) falling from the sky and you surprised me, pointing in the direction of the meteor with joy, forgetting what you said earlier. You hold my shoulder and said, "hey, you know what people say, if you see a falling star like that, close your eyes and quietly say your wish (make a wish). It will definitely come true. And you should not tell anyone if you want it to come true ".

I laughed in disbelief, but I just did what you wanted. I closed my eyes, and do what you wanted. Do want to know what I wished for that night? I wish that you would stay and not going back to Philippines and became my life companion forever. I want to be a man with a status that you just mentioned few seconds before the shooting star occurred. That night, many times you asked what was my wish. I did not want to tell you cause i wanted it to come true. I just smiled and prayed that my wish would come true.

Last night from my window in Fargo, I saw again the same meteorite fell before my eyes. I closed my eyes and made another wish. You certainly know what I wished for. When I woke up this morning I wished we both have seen the same shooting star again last night and made a wish together again. Never mind ... we still have time.

Today, I just wanted to say that I'm happy, because you have been with me all these years, from the moment I had nothing. You have been with me not only in my best but also in my worst time. Ups and downs we were together, slowly we are navigating the sea of this life .... Sometimes the waves of the sea shakes our bodies and the canoe we are in. But we always hold hands tightly and never let each other’s hands go. With that we are getting stronger, I feel I also became stronger and be the man who I am now because there is always you by my side all this time.

Today is our wedding anniversary, I want to give you the best, giving you what I should have given you also at times when we were dating, bring you to fancy dinner at a trendy restaurant, make you like a queen who commemorate her birthday. I also want to give roses, your favorite flower, an original not a plastic one, and other gifts that would surprise you in this happy day. But unfortunately, we are still living separately miles away. I can only pray, if my wish last night before the shooting star can come true again, that we will stay together, forever till death do us part.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, my darling.

From who had loved, is loving and will always love you.

Abi